i close my eyes, and the flashback starts.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
new site
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
bored na.
like i said, i locked myself up all sem break. i only went out for yssa's oration cause she'd kill me if i didn't come, and that was nighttime, so i guess that doesn't count. lulz
anyway, my sem break was uneventful. i read catcher in the rye, and when i was done with that, i hung out with my cousins a lot and our grandfather came over for undas and we went to Lake Sebu yesterday. It was super, super fun. We were supposed to go on zip line there, but we didn't have money, so it didn't push through.
may get a new blog soon.
ahaha. gaya-gaya ke ate camille, whatevs. :D
anyway, my sem break was uneventful. i read catcher in the rye, and when i was done with that, i hung out with my cousins a lot and our grandfather came over for undas and we went to Lake Sebu yesterday. It was super, super fun. We were supposed to go on zip line there, but we didn't have money, so it didn't push through.
may get a new blog soon.
ahaha. gaya-gaya ke ate camille, whatevs. :D
Sunday, October 18, 2009
but her eyes saved his life
i was busy.. enjoying life. haha (:exams are overrr dude, but we'll still be having classes til friday. and guess what?
i'll be reporting for economics with.. Shariah after TANDAA. good luck to me.
and i'll also be busying myself with proofreading articles for harbinger, but i honestly doubt it will EVER be released on time.
i'm not being teased in class anymore, which is awesome--cause if they do, they'll be in trouble. i have NEVER cried so much in school. anyway, we had our exams during the math olympics, so all the smart people were out and we weren't able to do our teamwork. but that's okay, haha. i was able to go through physics and math with Ian Mina-who felt so pissed at Ma'am Aruelo who picked the students who went on the olympics, cause everyone knew Shariah did not deserve to be picked, Ian did. All shariah did was ask Bruce to solve everything and memorize the glossaries of countless math textbooks. Mukhang Points nga naman.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
you will see this and reject me.
a lot has been happening the past few days, and i haven't really had the time to blog.
exam's next week and i'm busy with projects, but hey. what's a few minutes for a girl who loves procrastinating?
we passed the scrapbook last wednesday, and on monday and tuesday night, i slept at 3 in the morning and had to get up at 6. i could not be late because i didn't want to do community service. haha. sounds soo chris brown, eh? see, our principal noticed that a lot of the late comers were from the senior class, and he asked our teachers to do something about it. thus, community service. the rule was.. if we had five lates in a week, we were gonna do community service for a week during class hours and we would not be excused from class. hell. so yeah, i got 2 and a half hours of sleep for two nights, and on wednesday all my classmates were telling me that i looked terrible. i felt so tired, i went to school without sunscreen and powder on! ulollerz. speaking of skin, TANDAA's coming up and everyone in class wants to be part of the service team-yeah, we're really taking we're all in this together to the next level. we do EVERYTHING together, man. we're even doing each other's projects and scrapbooks. that is love. anyway, i'd love to bond with them some more, but unfortunately, like last year, I'm gonna be spending my sem break indoors and get that skin I've always wanted. hahaha
when i read my blog posts, i find them far from how i feel. we all say that blogs are supposed to let people know how you feel, right? but i've learned my lesson. i can't trust anyone..but me. I have this friend, and we are incredibly close. but when i poured it all out on her, of course i felt extremely happy cause she listened and all, but she didn't understand. she thought i was wrong. and i wasn't, because i didn't believe what i said, what i told her was what i was forced to believe, and i didn't believe. because i knew it was wrong. but she thought i did. I'm not stupid, i can't believe she actually thought i was. gahd, i feel so emo saying nobody understands me..so let's state it another way. i don't want people to judge me. i've been feeling so vulnerable lately, and i can't make myself feel any better cause i know when people would know how i feel, i'm dead. they'll be judging me. and i hate that.
remember this, yeye? we memorized this for speech choir in elementary, and i read it again on the 7 habits of highly effective teens. I understand it now. it is so true.
i complain too much. after the turn of events last week-ondoy, pepeng, and a lot of other stuff, i should be thankful. I am now. (:
exam's next week and i'm busy with projects, but hey. what's a few minutes for a girl who loves procrastinating?
we passed the scrapbook last wednesday, and on monday and tuesday night, i slept at 3 in the morning and had to get up at 6. i could not be late because i didn't want to do community service. haha. sounds soo chris brown, eh? see, our principal noticed that a lot of the late comers were from the senior class, and he asked our teachers to do something about it. thus, community service. the rule was.. if we had five lates in a week, we were gonna do community service for a week during class hours and we would not be excused from class. hell. so yeah, i got 2 and a half hours of sleep for two nights, and on wednesday all my classmates were telling me that i looked terrible. i felt so tired, i went to school without sunscreen and powder on! ulollerz. speaking of skin, TANDAA's coming up and everyone in class wants to be part of the service team-yeah, we're really taking we're all in this together to the next level. we do EVERYTHING together, man. we're even doing each other's projects and scrapbooks. that is love. anyway, i'd love to bond with them some more, but unfortunately, like last year, I'm gonna be spending my sem break indoors and get that skin I've always wanted. hahaha
when i read my blog posts, i find them far from how i feel. we all say that blogs are supposed to let people know how you feel, right? but i've learned my lesson. i can't trust anyone..but me. I have this friend, and we are incredibly close. but when i poured it all out on her, of course i felt extremely happy cause she listened and all, but she didn't understand. she thought i was wrong. and i wasn't, because i didn't believe what i said, what i told her was what i was forced to believe, and i didn't believe. because i knew it was wrong. but she thought i did. I'm not stupid, i can't believe she actually thought i was. gahd, i feel so emo saying nobody understands me..so let's state it another way. i don't want people to judge me. i've been feeling so vulnerable lately, and i can't make myself feel any better cause i know when people would know how i feel, i'm dead. they'll be judging me. and i hate that.
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
-Charles C. Finn
remember this, yeye? we memorized this for speech choir in elementary, and i read it again on the 7 habits of highly effective teens. I understand it now. it is so true.
i complain too much. after the turn of events last week-ondoy, pepeng, and a lot of other stuff, i should be thankful. I am now. (:
Friday, October 2, 2009
introverts rejoice!
"Don’t you hate that? Uncomfortable silence. Why do we feel it’s necessary to talk about bull in order to feel comfortable? That’s when you know you’ve found somebody really special. When you can just shut the hell up for a minute and comfortably share a silence."
-Pulp Fiction
Thursday, October 1, 2009
college.
i don't know what i want!
Back then it was OK not have chosen what course to take for college, but now it's just irritating. Like, I have absolutely no plans with my future. argh.
I can totally pick out what my friends want. All of them. JP's taking something business at La Salle or UA&P or something, Spain & Gian are taking Accountancy at MSU. Janilyne's taking that, too but she's going to ADDU, Rigel wants to be Rizal(pre-med-med-law), Sha's taking nursing[see, we're not even friends and I know!], Bruce is gonna be a doctor, Elcid is gonna be a seaman, which is by the way, my dream if it wasn't for my sucky height; Tezza's taking nursing, Aleah is gonna be a pharmacist at UIC, PM is also undecided, Kristan's taking Business Administration, Ray wants Business Ad. as well, but he's also thinking of accountancy.. the list goes on.
Back then it was OK not have chosen what course to take for college, but now it's just irritating. Like, I have absolutely no plans with my future. argh.
I can totally pick out what my friends want. All of them. JP's taking something business at La Salle or UA&P or something, Spain & Gian are taking Accountancy at MSU. Janilyne's taking that, too but she's going to ADDU, Rigel wants to be Rizal(pre-med-med-law), Sha's taking nursing[see, we're not even friends and I know!], Bruce is gonna be a doctor, Elcid is gonna be a seaman, which is by the way, my dream if it wasn't for my sucky height; Tezza's taking nursing, Aleah is gonna be a pharmacist at UIC, PM is also undecided, Kristan's taking Business Administration, Ray wants Business Ad. as well, but he's also thinking of accountancy.. the list goes on.
My plan was originally to take Business Ad., but then after seeing all my friends who took a course their parents picked out for them shift to something else, I decided I was gonna make one final choice. Accountancy, they say.. is "easy", but Tessa's sister failed math, so that's basically off limits-like nursing.
So when people found out that I got the highest score at our test in computer, they were like, "eh kung mag IT or Com Sci ka nalang?", I snapped at them. "Youwant me to be a call center agent, or better yet...an internet shop owner?!" I have no plans of leaving the country.. simply because I refuse to wait til some result comes, like what my sister is doing now. lol
srsly though. I need help.
Friday, September 25, 2009
i could really use a time turner right now.
i went to this seminar-workshop for campus writers today, and i'm feeling traumatized.
gahd, today was horrible. it started last night when i had to sleep like super super late to write an article for the paper so that i'd be able to go to the freaking seminar, and then i find out that this person and that can't help with making the scrapbook. on top of that, while i was thinking all that through, mr. buga[speaker who smoked around 5 sticks in front of us today] asks us how we felt and to actually write it down in 10 minutes. major writer's block.
then we were asked to do an article for 30 minutes naman, and the theme was "how to alleviate poverty as campus journalists", or something like that so i did an article and i didn't want to rewrite and edit it cause i was too sleepy, so i just shoved it in my bag while reading a series of unfortunate events from this girl i met from our school. her name was ella santolaja, i think.. and it was so nice of her to let me borrow her book. anyway, after this interview we had on TNHS's prefect of discipline where i asked a lot of questions and wasn't able to take down any notes, mr. buga said that the high school students did a pretty good job with the article, except for 7 people who wrote editorial-like articles, and gave advices and stuff. and i was like, screw you, manong. you asked us to alleviate freaking poverty..how can we not give advice?! i don't even care about poverty, damnit. i'm more of a pop-culture type. so when we had to make this profile on the prefect, i was pretty excited cause during the interview i was already formulating my article and all, but then i got lazy. FUDGE.
oh well. i want to join photo journ., but there's this voice at the back of my head saying i'm not taking this seriously. well i am. i've learned a lot today, and my biggest problem is that i hate writing under pressure and that i like to procrastinate. a recipe for disaster. idk what to do tomorrow. after the seminar i'll be in school from 4pm-4am cause we're having this vocation jamboree thingy, and i refuse to pass this one up. no matter how hectic my schedule is.
no. have you ever had that feeling when you have so much to do and you have no idea what to do first, you just sit there? that's exactly how i'm feeling now. good luck to me. :D
gahd, today was horrible. it started last night when i had to sleep like super super late to write an article for the paper so that i'd be able to go to the freaking seminar, and then i find out that this person and that can't help with making the scrapbook. on top of that, while i was thinking all that through, mr. buga[speaker who smoked around 5 sticks in front of us today] asks us how we felt and to actually write it down in 10 minutes. major writer's block.
then we were asked to do an article for 30 minutes naman, and the theme was "how to alleviate poverty as campus journalists", or something like that so i did an article and i didn't want to rewrite and edit it cause i was too sleepy, so i just shoved it in my bag while reading a series of unfortunate events from this girl i met from our school. her name was ella santolaja, i think.. and it was so nice of her to let me borrow her book. anyway, after this interview we had on TNHS's prefect of discipline where i asked a lot of questions and wasn't able to take down any notes, mr. buga said that the high school students did a pretty good job with the article, except for 7 people who wrote editorial-like articles, and gave advices and stuff. and i was like, screw you, manong. you asked us to alleviate freaking poverty..how can we not give advice?! i don't even care about poverty, damnit. i'm more of a pop-culture type. so when we had to make this profile on the prefect, i was pretty excited cause during the interview i was already formulating my article and all, but then i got lazy. FUDGE.
oh well. i want to join photo journ., but there's this voice at the back of my head saying i'm not taking this seriously. well i am. i've learned a lot today, and my biggest problem is that i hate writing under pressure and that i like to procrastinate. a recipe for disaster. idk what to do tomorrow. after the seminar i'll be in school from 4pm-4am cause we're having this vocation jamboree thingy, and i refuse to pass this one up. no matter how hectic my schedule is.
Ray: wow, van. ang ganda namang tignan kang busy.
no. have you ever had that feeling when you have so much to do and you have no idea what to do first, you just sit there? that's exactly how i'm feeling now. good luck to me. :D
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